Ten Funniest Moments in British Comedy

As I was sitting in my favourite armchair at The Diogenes Club and tucking into a plate of buttered crumpets I heard old Carruthers chortling away. We all looked up from our copies of the Times and and Manton asked him what was up. He said the funniest line he had heard in any movie was from a strange man with a black moustache and a big cigar who had said "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it".

Well we all looked at him strangely but then this led us to a club discussion as to what were the top British comedy moments on either the big or small screen. No one could agree so I thought I would record here my own personal top-ten list for posterity. I am sure other members would have a different list. Here are mine in reverse order:

10 Morecambe and Wise
Andre Previn: "You're playing all the wrong notes!"
Eric(menacing):"I'm playing all the RIGHT notes...just not necessarily in the right order!"

9 Kenneth Williams - Carry on Cleo
Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!

8. John Cleese - Fawlty Towers, The Germans
Fawlty: "You started it............."
German Guest: "No we didn't"
Fawlty: "Yes you did! You invaded Poland!"

7. Monty Python - The Holy Grail
ARTHUR: Does your master want to come with us to search for the Holy Grail?
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!

6 Dirk Bogarde - Doctor in the House
The great Sir Lancelot Spratt is asking his students about the time it takes blood to stop flowing from a cut.
Sprat: "You! What's the bleeding time?"
Sparrow: [looks at watch] "10 past 10"

5 Tony Hancock - Twelve Angry Men
Hancock makes an impassioned plea to his fellow jurors.
Hancock: "Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you?... Did she die in vain?"

4 Will Hay - Ask a Policeman
Granddad: "I think I'll have a sweet. Want one?"
Will Hay: "Yes, I'll have a blackcurrant." He pops it in his mouth
Granddad: Spitting out his own sweet, "Eee, blackcurrant!"
Will Hay: "What's the matter? don't you like them?"
Granddad: "No! I always put them back in the bag"

3 Arthur Lowe - Dad's Army
Private Pike has just sung an insulting song about Hitler to a captured U-boat crew.
U-boat captain, "What is your name?"
Mannering: "Don't tell him Pike!"

2 Moore Marriott - Oh Mr Porter!
Will Hay and co. put their watches on on a railway line when the engine starts to role forward and crushes the watches to pieces. Harbottle picks up the crushed watch and holds it to his ear.
Harbottle: "... it's stopped!"

1 Tony Hancock - The Blood Donor
"A PINT? That's very nearly an armful! I'm sorry - I'm not walking around with an empty arm for anybody.”